Suffer in silence

Just another boring day of sitting on my ass in front of the computer. I'm so strange. It's as if when I have a job, I'd rather be at the computer... and when I don't I'd rather have a job. Weird, right? It kind of bothers me.

Right now though, just like everyone else in this country (I'm sure), I'm almost 4K in debt. I have no job, I haven't been to college....

Can anyone see why I'm a tad bit depressed?

I don't like to complain though. Well, not too much. You can't have a blog without complaining. That's my firm belief. Why else would anyone write to such an anonymous yet connected media? To share ideas and passion and all, sure, but a lot of people just want to be able to shoot their mouths off about anything and everything. Who can blame them?

Anyway, back to the 4K of debt. You see, I grew up in a small mountain town. A little over two years ago I moved into a big city to be with a guy I had known for one week. It was a crazy 18-year-old fantasy to go off and be with someone new in a new place with new people. So straight out of high school I shot there like a bullet. It was great for a little while (other stories about the place and the man saved for another day), but I ended up getting heavy into drugs. Nothing TOO hardcore at first, just a lot of weed. In a place like that it was common to see people smoking joints right on the street corner. The cops hated it but we were all smart about how we went about our business. Anyway...

I had smoked weed before I left and enjoyed it quite a lot. It helped me relax and enjoy myself, I guess. But then I got curious, once weed stopped doing so well in my system due to my tolerance, about other drugs. It started with mushrooms which were fantastic, then progressed straight to LSD (again a story for another day), and then to ecstasy. Ecstasy turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.

The night I took it had been a total BLAST. I'd had so much fun and found out I was a real natural at slinging glowsticks. But I had worked a 12 hour shift on 4 hours of sleep that day. I don't know if that's what ended up being my downfall or if it was some other underlying factor that I've never considered before. In the middle of the night at about 4 am when I had crashed so hard it was unbelievable, I woke up-- and I wasn't breathing. I gasped in and went into a panic, a state of shock. I could feel my heart pounding away so fast in my chest that I was so sure I would die right there. And in my panic I focused so much on my breathing that it was no longer an involentary action. I HAD to breath in and out for myself because I was so scared my body wouldn't do it for me.

So make a long story short, ever since that night I've given up weed, halusonogenitcs, partying, drinking, and everything in between. I'm sad to see weed go but I can't even spin around and get dizzy without triggering a panic attack sometimes.

The reason I'm in 4K of debt is because I went to the ER twice for panic attacks. (In the same two weeks.) And once for an allergic reaction the medicine the gave me had.

I can't get to the doctor to fix this problem. I have no money. I have no job.

Suffer in silence I shall.